Conflict Resolution

Even when conflicts seem inevitable and impossible to reconcile, sometimes a few simple conflict resolution skills can help you take a step back from the situation, clarify the nature of the conflict, and start working toward a resolution. Once you start practicing these skills, it is amazing how often a simple solution that is acceptable to everyone can be found.

Time Out:

Sometimes the best thing you can do is also the simplest. If you feel overwhelmed by a conflict and unable to think rationally, get away from the situation until you can calm down. Mention that you need some time alone to think, then walk away and don't allow yourself to be drawn back into the argument. Do come back to the topic later, though, or it may never be resolved.

"I" Statements:

Use a tool called "I" statements. These are statements describing the way you feel, beginning with the word "I." Conflict resolution skills like this allow you to express your feelings without directly blaming the other person. Try to be very specific about why you are feeling upset. For example, you could say "I am feeling angry that you didn't stop and get the groceries you said you would get, because now we don't have anything for dinner," instead of "Why don't you ever do the things you say you'll do?" This may seem like a small and insignificant change, but it can make an amazing difference in tense situations. Keep using "I" statements as the conversation continues, expressing how you feel about statements that are made and potential solutions.

Active Listening:

Pay attention when someone is trying to explain their thoughts or feelings to you. Point out things you agree about. If you're not sure that you understand what they are trying to express, try repeating back what you think they said and ask if you're right. When you're trying to communicate something, you can also ask the other person to try to repeat back what he is hearing you say. This can be a great way to figure out if your disagreement is based on a simple miscommunication.

Problem-solving:

Sometimes it becomes clear that two people disagree on a certain subject and are unlikely to change their minds. In these cases, it can be very useful to figure out what each person hopes to get out of the conversation. Both people may be ready to move on and think that the other is still invested in the argument. On the other hand, participants may each want things like a feeling that their point of view is understood, a practical compromise to implement, or an assurance that a situation won't be repeated in the future. Conflict resolution skills that help to figure out what each person's goals are can help to move a conversation forward and find a constructive resolution.

Check In:

In the case of intense or ongoing conflicts, it can be an especially good idea to check in on the situation later, when tempers aren't running so high. Ask if it's a good time to discuss the issue again briefly, then talk about how the solution is working out for you and whether you have any ongoing concerns or questions. Don't expect that all conflicts can be resolved instantly, but realize that most can be improved significantly over time with the constant application of appropriate conflict resolution skills.

In conclusion, I feel that these are all good steps that can be made, but it all just depends on the circumstances of the problem. Depending on what the actual conflict is about, it is up to you to determine which may make the most sense in the particular situation. If one of these ways doesn't work out the way that you had expected, then just try using another, and you are bound to find one that helps to meet the needs of both people in the situation.